Desire, expectations, cherish, growth, nourish, seek – all great words when considering or getting into a relationship. A couple of weeks ago, I received a long letter from a client outlining his desires and expectations for a life mate. He admittedly realized over the last several years that some of his expectations have changed after being back out in the dating world. This letter along with other conversations brought to light some insights to share.
What are your expectations of a life mate? Have you taken the time to list out the qualities and character of a mate you desire? What were the expectations when you made the pledge to marry? “Expectations” is not a dirty word, in fact when used well, allows each of us to enter a relationship on solid footing with clarity from the onset. Without vision, without clarity, I find many clients trying to fit a round peg into a square hole then wonder why there are gaps around the peg and a filling of despair and fulfillment. Needless to say backing up is even tougher once in the relationship or marriage which is why most end after the 1st year of marriage and the 2nd highest ending most often occurs after children are gone from the house. And we will take a look at the overwhelming increase of divorce in 2nd and 3rd marriages, etc. in future blogs of this series.
How many of you desire to date or marry someone you aren’t particularly physically attracted too? I would dare say probably only about 2% of all males and females I’ve visited with professionally and personally have said that “looks” are not important. This is stated under the knowledge that beauty remains in the eyes of the beholder and beauty of one’s soul is most likely judged in another context. And yet it’s a given that physical intimacy is an integral part of any whole relationship.
What discipline is needed to maintain habits to ensure physical attraction can be continued throughout the relationship cycle when trying to foster what entices a mate to look at you with alluring eyes and sex appeal? How many of you have used the motivation tool “to change” to remain or with the expectation of being more content in a relationship? And how many of you would dare say the challenge to change worked for any length of time? Did illusion set in? Disappointment? A need to compare one’s mate to others? Did you find yourself going overboard in your own routine in hopes your mate would follow your example? Any yet countless studies conclude the internal drive of one’s self needs to want to make a change, want to take on the discipline to have any lasting impact. Something in one’s inner being must drive the decision, meaning you are doing it first for yourself verses for someone else, or to hold on to a relationship or a job even.
When asking someone to change, one needs to ask one’s self is the change more about you or more about them? What is driving the decision for the change to occur? Why are you wanting them to change? Tread lightly here since many motivating factors requiring change in a mate can be manipulative for one’s own sense of self-worth or gratification in the relationship. When a couple find themselves at this place in a relationship, where change is needed for whatever reason, it is very important that they have the conversation no matter how hard it is to avoid resentments, frustrations, wondering eyes, reduced intimacy, etc. Many years ago, I was taking a medication that caused me to gain about 15 lbs. in about 3 weeks which needless to say wreaked havoc on my body. I was mortified, quickly went off the medication, but it took months to repair the damage. Thankfully I already had the discipline in place to work hard to regain my figure, yet at the same time, it did admittedly impact the way my spouse at the time looked at me. Ladies men are visual – it’s a fact, they were created that way, and we can’t escape how it effects many psychological areas of their being.
Remember the childhood fable, “Jack Sprat who ate no fat his wife who ate no lean”? Clearly physical looks, along with what attracts one to another varies from person to person. Therefore, when the first inclination registers in one’s subconscious desiring a mate to change, in order to continue to be physically attracted that will vary considerably. What is most important is not expecting change to necessarily change the relationship – it rarely does. Generally a need for change, especially physical, is a symptom of something much deeper going on in the relationship.
@copyright 2015 Austin Lifestylist
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