With the emergence of spring time has come the yearning from several clients for something new or asking how to move forward out of their current situation. Many of us can find ourselves in relationships that just aren’t working or perhaps wondering if he or she is the one. How do we know when to call it quits?
Make a list of characteristics of your ideal mate. This is much easier to do when not in a relationship since the trick is not making a list to fit the person you are currently seeing. Be honest with yourself!
List out pros and cons of current relationship. List should include characteristics, habits, personal desires etc. There is no limit. How much of what is on your ideal mate list matches up with the pros on this list? I always tell clients, “Play the movie forward. What do you want the end result to look like?” Make sure you are not settling for less than what you want and desire.
What continues to nag you? What gut feelings keep coming up in your mind that make you question the one whom you are with? Are you asking yourself the same questions that you were contemplating 6 months ago or a year or more? It never ceases to amaze me when talking to a client or even a friend about concerns they are having in a relationship that will continue to surface again and again. Those are red flags! We need to pay attention to them. Some we will learn to live with and will seem more like a yellow flag of caution, but many times those red flags need or must be addressed at some point to solidify being in the relationship at all. Too frequently those same red flags end up being huge factors to ending a relationship or divorce.
What are you not getting out of the current relationship that you need, want, or desire? How much are you compromising to stay in the relationship? Do you find yourself avoiding important topics of conversation? Are you weary of the possibility of being alone? Worried about starting over again? Is there passion both in daily life and in the bedroom? How much of the decision to end the relationship is about time invested? Having guilt about waiting this long to break it off? If you have ever been in a past relationship then know these are valid concerns, yet you also know the end is almost always difficult no matter what the reasons maybe. More often than not regardless of how much time it takes to end a relationship, it still ends the same way just more time has passed with more emotions and history involved to get there.
Why do we seem to have chemistry, but just can’t make it work? Two people that find themselves attracted to each other, wanting many of the same things, don’t always make a great couple for the long haul. Yes chemistry is important, however there is so much more that goes into a relationship. There are not many couples like James Carville and Mary Matalin that can make it work in spite of their vast differences about politics. The same can be said when it comes to religion, ideas about sex, how to raise a family, financial decisions, addiction habits, physical activity, health, etc. All these are potential hot buttons for many couples.
Do you find yourself wondering more times than not “what if”? What if I moved on? Or wondering if someone else that has caught your eye would be a better fit? Or even thinking about a past relationship, comparing the differences, and wondering where would we be now? One must consider their gut feelings, yet keep in prospective that feelings ebb and flow by looking at the patterns of behavior in the relationship. Relationships more often than not have their ups and downs along with difficult moments. It’s not having them that is the concern, it’s how you get through them. Do you feel content with how matters are addressed? Do you feel you can have the difficult discussions without judgement attached? Are you able to be honest with your answers and ask the hard questions without fear of the outcome or reaction? Do you feel safe in bed with your partner if in an intimate relationship? The ideal partner will make you feel safe physically and emotionally. Your overall well-being should feel contentment, satisfaction, and joy with the person you are with on a daily basis in spite of the circumstances along with a sense of knowing he or she is the best person for you.